"Green Congealed Salad"

We figured, why not start our cooking adventure with a real winner. Of all the epic recipes in Bay Leaves, this one just really stood out. The title alone fills my head with all sorts of unappetizing visions. Once I learned that it is also "...perfect with shrimp stacks..." I was in. Sounds just mouth-watering. Uncontrollable mouth-watering. Like when you can tell you're about to barf type mouth-watering.

The Recipe:

Ok, lets look at these ingredients. The first few, at least somewhat dessert-like. Fruit and nuts in jello, eh, dated, but fair enough. But wait... things are getting weird. Cottage cheese? Ok, so maybe that's in the same realm as like, ricotta? I suppose. Hmmm... celery? Ok, ew. HORSERADISH!? WTF. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I see! then you add the banana dressing, IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! Let's do this thing.

The Players:

I am not proud of how much money I actually had to spend to make this happen. It was probably $15 dollars or so for all the ingredients. I had committed to the process once I bought that green jello, the neon goo that will hold this whole abomination together. I actually LIKE most of these foods on their own, except for the jello. I am hoping once they are combined they will produce some sort of unexpected harmony that will warrant this recipe being included in "the greatest recipe book of all time." Who knows, maybe we are ignorant to the wonders we can experience by combining lime jello and horseradish??! It's possible it tastes just fantastic, right?

First things first, I cooked up the jello with the pineapple juice and lemon juice. The acidy steam coming off the stuff burned my eyeballs. Ok, so the base of this recipe looks like toxic waste, we're off to a good start.

While that cooled, I did some mad chopping. I was very sad to chop up all those pretty pecans, with the possibility of their ruin looming overhead. Despite this, I still looked pretty happy as I chopped:

The pineapple, lemon rind, and nuts went in with half of the jello, which gave us this:

My hopes that this might accidentally turn out to be tasty were pretty much dashed at this point. But I trudged on. I proceeded to "beat remaining jello until fluffy," and I added the celery, horseradish, cottage cheese, and salt. No, no sir. This was not going to taste good. Nope.

I wonder... was someone slowly going insane as they wrote this recipe? I mean, there are two names at the bottom, so I guess this was a team effort between Mrs. Ben James and Mrs. Jack Dyer (Jill). Maybe they were both high and had very limited items in their pantries. Maybe they discussed how much they both loved lime jello and decided each of them would come up with a concoction using half a preparation of said jello, and then slap them together? Then as they nearly finished, Jack shouted from the living room, "HEY JILL! All that shit needs is some of my homemade BANANA DRESSING!" and Ben followed up with, "HAHA! YEAH! It would go great with my SHRIMP STACK!" Both husbands chortled and clinked their beer glasses, the dutiful wives obliged, and here we are.

Side by side, our two jello mixtures. The nutty jello went into the bottom of a bowl, and the cottage cheesy jello was spread on top. Into the fridge to congeal some more. Of course, Don't forget the banana dressing! I mixed up the remaining ingredients: a sad banana, mayonnaise, heavy cream, lemon, and more nuts. Won't this curdle into a wretched vomity-like substance?! It too went in to cool.

Every bizarre ingredient was incorporated, and the time had come. I had a wild range of emotions. I was unsure how my life had led me to this point. Not only did I pick out this recipe, but I also bought all the ingredients. And then I actually made it, and it took hours of my life. Now I was preparing to taste it despite all the blaring signs that I should never ever be putting this in my mouth. I had no choice but to make Tim go first.

I did taste it also. Unfortunately, my husband, who is typically the master of all things technological, turns into a confused grandpa whenever he touches my phone. So he thought he was recording me, but totally was not. Instead, I will describe the experience. It has been almost a year since I tasted this, but I remember it vividly:

The texture was beyond words. There are so many pleasant food textures in the world, but this had none of them. The sticky, mayonnaisey banana dressing produced the predominant smell as the spoon approached. The initial lumpiness of the fluffed jello and cottage cheese filled the mouth with extreme citrus flavor. Then, as they dissolved, you found the now rubbery celery, which seemed devoid of the typically potent celery flavor. Then a sudden snarl of horseradish would rise and fall, until you were left with a mouth full of moist, chewy nuts, which took several minutes to break down. Each bite was a horrible roller coaster ride, with gnarly surprises around every corner. I only took two bites. I felt very guilty, but justified, as I dumped the rest of our Green Congealed Salad in the trashcan. Then I dumped the Banana Dressing on top. It all looked very at home surrounded by black plastic.

You failed us on our maiden voyage, Bay Leaves, but do not fret, I plan to try another recipe despite my better judgement. Until next time...